Warning, slow ahead

Talking to the Dead by Harry Bingham

My rating: 2 of 5 stars




Talking to the Dead is such a boring and slow book, that reviewing it is boring. I actually feel badly for anyone reading this, for surely they must be bored.

Fiona Griffiths is a "copper" in Wales. Yup. You read that right. A COPPER. Every time copper appeared in the text I heard, "YEAH SEE! CAN'T CATCH ME NOW COPPER!"

Side note:

Apparently Wales doesn't do a whole lot of psychological profiling before hiring detectives because Fiona!

Fiona has issues, some of which involve talking to the dead and having boring conversations with them. She does happen to stick her finger in a skull cavity, but that lasted two paragraphs, then I was bored again. Also, I was disturbed, but hey, it's Fi, folks! She sticks her fingers in skulls out of love.

Back to the book:


Yes, there is a mystery that involves a couple of murdered prostitutes and a little girl, but the real mystery is what the hell is wrong with Fiona?

As a bored reader, I was rewarded with a diagnosis/label for her utterly morbid behavior, but by the time I got to the ta-da moment, I was just happy to have completed the book.

Why did I give this book two stars rather than one? Well, Fi is so bizarre and has such an honest voice, she kept me coming back. Without her, I would have simply given up. Still, it just wasn't enough.

Your friend Alisha says, "Yawn".



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Keye Street is the Coolest!

Stranger in the Room: A Novel by Amanda Kyle Williams

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Hey you guys! I have a fantastic book for you. Stranger in the Room is an exciting thriller that is fast paced, funny, and just smart. I knew nothing about it prior to obtaining my ARC, so I was beyond thrilled when I found myself in the midst of a new girl crush named Keye Street.

Reasons I love Amanda Kyle Williams' Keye Street:

1. Chinese American recovering alcoholic with a southern accent, white parents and a gay, African American brother.

Did you get all that? Yeah. That's right, this ain't your typical blonde, blue-eyed, big busted detective novel. Do not misunderstand me. I am fine with hot, white characters, but let's be honest, shall we. Hot and white is not only cliche, but unrealistic given the diverse world we actually inhabit.

2. Street's taste in guys does not involve a complicated douche bag who is always saving her at every turn.

Believe it or not, Rauser actually trusts Keye and respects her abilities. And, this is important: Rauser is good looking, but he's not so good looking that he couldn't kinda, maybe, sorta exist on this plane. You know, Earth?

"You want some breakfast? I'm going to have some Shredded Wheat."
"No, I'd rather eat a bale of pine straw. But I guess you have to think of fiber at your age."
He grinned at me, pointed a finger. "You better be nice to me, Street. I'm probably the guy that's going to go through menopause with you. And we all know that ain't gonna be pretty."

Sigh. L'Amour.

3. Badassery (is that a word?)

Definition: behavior resulting is brave, but smart decisions that reflect positively on a character or person. Being a total and complete badass that Alisha loves.

Keye can handle Keye.

Keye is not stupid. She does not get so close to the bad guys that she is always in danger of being beaten or raped. I hate those novels. I mean, how stupid. No, Keye enjoys backup, and she has a healthy sense of fear. In other words, she's normal.

4. Best name for a cat EVER.

White Trash. Nuff said.



Beyond Stranger in the Room being simply awesome, it is also lovingly written. There are passages in the book that I connected with that brought me closer to Keye.

In explaining her mother, Keye describes her childhood thusly:

"Our mother, a child of the Albermarle Sound and pulsing marshes and tundra swans and striped bass, had searched for and found the secluded marshes and private seascapes in her city life. And because we had been witness to this delicate beauty in her humanity, it was all the more confusing when her touch turned arctic and her tongue caustic.

A real mom, guys! With flaws and everything!



Professional Alisha says: Williams takes her time with this novel, building characters, and a unpredictable, suspenseful plot.

Alisha, your buddy says: Oh, that bad guy is incredibly creepy too. You'll love it!










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Quarantine

Quarantine by John Smolens

My rating: 3 of 5 stars




Quarantine by John Smolens is set in Newportbury, Massachusetts in June of 1779 on the eve of a Malaria outbreak. The fever sweeps through the small fishing town both literally and figuratively.

Dr. Giles Wiggins and Leander Hatch bravely risk them own lives as they strive to see their families, neighbors, and town through the summer of 1779.

The plot behind Quarantine is both interesting and rich in in detail.

The trouble lies with Wiggin's mother, Miranda, whose namesake ship is quarantined under a yellow flag and as the distinct honor of bringing the town to its knees. Smolens keenly weaves the real Miranda with her yellow flagged counterpart. Miranda only leaves death in her wake.


Sitting at Miranda's right hand is her sleazy grandson, Samuel who has recently dethroned his less sleazy father, Enoch. Samuel bribed his way off the Miranda and once ashore, commences to scam and swindle.

The deck appears stacked against the good doctor Wiggins, who just so happens to be Miranda's youngest son and Enoch's half brother. Giles super power seems to be intuition. Like the fever, Giles understands his mother better than any other character.

In a discussion with his mother, Giles describes Miranda thusly:

"Mother, you can be hot and cold, ruthlessly arbitrary, much like this..."
Involuntarily she stepped back from his cot. "Like this fever? Perhaps, you have a better chance of understanding this disease than your own mother."


As if things weren't bad enough in the town of Newportbury, we have crazy Christians to deal with, corrupt law men, and mob mentality to boot.

The novel suffers from some slow pacing in the middle of the book, but readers can look forward to a swift pace as the novel makes its way towards to finish lines.

ARC provided by Pegasus in association with Netgalley.com

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Something Red

Something Red by Douglas Nicholas

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


The perfect book for fall! Lovers of mystery, thrillers, and the unknown unite! There's something in the woods and it's hungry.


Something Red centers around a troupe traveling the snowy Pennine mountains of England in the 13th century when they encounter a pervasive sense that something evil is hunting for its meat, and has its unholy eye on their troupe. What inhabits the woods and how to avoid it is the central problem for Molly, Jack, her lover, Nemain, her granddaughter, and our young Hob.

Something Red is told from Hob's point of view in third person limited. This choice lends to further mystery. Hob knows little about his mistress, but he cares for her deeply and understands she is well respected. She is clearly more that an Irish troupe leader and a kind of medicine woman, but what we learn is based on Hob's understanding of his dire situation. Hob is a sweet, hard working boy, with a sensitively to the thing that stalks them through the woods, but he is still a young man, and hard work makes Hob sleepy. When things go bump in the night, Hob willfully dismisses his fears and trundles back to sleep like a good lad.

The mood of this thriller is perfect for the fall as the weather begins to turn. There are four distinct setting in the novel and each so perfectly rendered to the reader that we can't help but feel closed in by the forest, or smell the fresh rushes strewn on the castle floor. Nicholas masterfully recreates 13th century life if a way that is as believable as it is beautiful.

Nicholas has created a book to love that is simply magical.


ARC provided by Simon & Schuster in association with Netgalley.com

A great thanks to Mr. Nicholas who suffered my complaints with grace and lent me courage to wade through the formatting issues that plagued the earlier e-galleys



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Coming this fall: League of Strays

League of Strays by L.B. Schulman

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


After the controversy here on Goodreads surrounding The League of Strays, I was apprehensive to begin the novel.

The League of Strays is about a group of four kids who are loners for various reasons. Richie is gay, Charlotte is an introvert, Zoe is combative, and Nora has a single-minded goal to make valedictorian. Enter Kade, a charismatic bad-boy, who knows just how to manipulate these fine, but lonely seniors and bend them to his will.

Kade wants soldiers to help him seek revenge on bullies at Kennedy High. The League (but mostly Kade) selects and plans attacks on supposed "bullies" that have hurt the Strays.

Warning***Spoiler Alert!


The attacks begin with some vandalism and threats, and grows to assault in quick succession. Kade soothes worries with sexual charm and it seems to work like magic on these inexperienced teens.

Meanwhile, Charlotte is swept up into a secret relationship with Kade, which seems to serve Kade far more than it does Charlotte.

Blessedly, Charlotte finally gets a clue and a spine. It came a bit late, but better late than never.

The story is fast-paced, which works well. The characters seem much younger than seventeen and eighteen, but from studies we know that readers prefer characters that are about two years older than the readers are themselves.

Schulman does a decent job conveying that popular "bullies" are not all bad people. Schulman maintains her light touch on these themes, which again, lets readers reach their own conclusions.

In another, more controversial section of the book, Schulman fails when Zoe becomes Richie's' beard, becoming his public girlfriend. However, the secretive nature of The League couldn't have been maintained if the members all donned Pride t-shirts. Also, it's important to remember that as real characters, the girls may actually believe that giving Richie a girlfriend will fix the problem.

In another related, Heathers like section, The League makes it look like one of Richie's homophobic bullies, a "jock" football player is gay and waiting for a hookup from another "jock". The falsely lured football player waiting, gets beat by his team mate, landing him in the hospital.



As a reader, I had a hard time with this scene, not just because a hate crime was being committed, but because there didn't seem to be enough of the right kind of why-this-is-SO-wrong narration coming from Charlotte's inner monologue. However, in defense of Charlotte, she is 17 and imperfect, which is real. Because Schulman is not in the reader's face, it allows readers to draw their own conclusions and form their own outrage.


As a YA novel, League of Strays offers a disturbing look into the act of retaliatory bullying, the consequences of lying, and the resulting confusion that sexual attraction has on behavior.

ARC provided by Amulet Books an imprint of Abrams in association with Netgalley.com




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Fifty Shame of Earl Grey is Full of Laughs and Snorts

Fifty Shames of Earl Grey by Andrew Shaffer

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


When this book landed in my arcs I was was stoked to read it even though I am one to admit that actually enjoyed
Fifty Shades of Grey.  I know, I know...  It's one of my fifty shames.

Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is a wonderful parody of the Fifty Shades trilogy.  It has everything including, but not limited to:

1.  Shopping at Walmart
2.  Butt Chugging
3.  Brony Fanfic (based on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
4.  Tom Cruise
4.  Helicopters, stock cars, and F-14s
5.  Nose picking
6.  LARPing
7.  Jersey Shore
8.  16 and Pregnant
9.  Magical stalking
10. Out of season McDonalds' cuisine such as the McRib and Shamrock Shakes

Shaffer starts out strong with lots of laughs in the first part of the book.  I was snorting along to this one, and woke my husband up:

"The Earl Grey Corporation headquarters in downtown Seattle is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the cloudless sky like a steel erection.  I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is floor-to-ceiling glass and steel.  This fascinates me to no end, because buildings in Portland are made of grass and mud."

There are more where that came from, which is why I was disappointed when the laughs began to lag towards the middle and end of the book.  It's not to say that it wasn't amusing, because it was.  I just couldn't help feeling like I was watching the parody, Scary Movie, especially when Earl Grey kept popping up magically wherever Anna happened to be. For instance, he appears behind a bar (think Tom Cruise in Cocktail), a Starbucks bathroom stall, from under Anna's bed, Walmart, and other ridiculously laughable places.

The book moves from laugh out loud mockery of Fifty Shades,its character similarities to Twilight and the legalities of fanfic, to more slap-stick/situational comedy that pokes fun at moments in the book such as the car chase scene, to Christian Grey's eating issues.

Overall, this book is a humorous parody of the million-dollar-per-week pop culture phenomenon.  Though it lags at times, it still held my attention and kept my husband waking all through the night.

ARC provided by Perseus Books Group in association with NetGalley.com



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Baby blogger has feeling! My random rant concerning the batshit site that is stopthegrbullies.com

I sit in my home, working on completing another galley and watching my children swim. I make copious notes on the book, considering how I might discuss it on Goodreads and my blog. I might occasionally fold the radom piece of laundry, but really, why?


It would be like any other day, except that I can't concentrate on what should be an enjoyable book. I keep thinking about Lucy, and The Holy Terror, Kat, and Ridley. I keep thinking about what I have to assume is a very messed up author and her revenge bullying, vindictive nature. I'm thinking about the bullshit site that is stopthegrbullies.com.

The site, which I will not link discusses how one of the reviewers is a bad mother who has a drinking problem. It posts real names, places of employment, etc.. It suggests that they are giving the reviewers a taste of their own medicine, all while they themselves remain anonymous. Wow!

There's a lot going on in this site. Some of the complaints deal with the ways in which reviewers can shelve books. Apparently shelving the book under, "pile o'shit" is offensive. There's a good deal discussing language and profanity, and the ways in which the reviewers describe books. Somehow this is labeled bullying because the language is deemed violent. Okay-dokey.

Profanity and the dickish response:


Can I just explain to those who are new to Earth and the interweb that not everyone is appalled by profanity. It's actually quite the thing to do today--or so I'm told. My favorite internet mag, Jezebel begins most headlines with a good old fashioned swear word. It's a style of writing I'm quite fond of. Does that mean that those using profanity are bullying? No. It means that have a wonderful handle on the art of cursing. I salute thee! Fuck yeah!


I guess my point is, if you are one of the uptight crowd who doesn't need a swear jar in every room, or youve smashed yours (mozel tov) please ask yourself if the reviewers deserve the treatment that they have received simply because they choose to use profanity in their responses? I ask this because it seems to be a major selling point on STGRB website and has shown up in the comments section on The Passive Voice. This alone seems to count for many of the positive comments. It's rather stupid. The content of the message is completely eclipsed by the use of the word, "shit". REALLY? REALLY! Goodness, me oh my! Vulgarity!

Some books are bad:


Hey! Did you know that some books should actually come with a free recycle bin? I have actually been so pissed at certain books that I can't even have them around for doorstops. I can't even look at the things any longer than it takes to hurl them across the room, pick 'em again, and walk them to the recycle bin. Franz's Freedom comes to mind, along with The Shack. As the consumer, I am perfectly within my rights to say that I think that these books suck donkey. That is not bullying. I could even say that this book should come with a picture of it pleasuring donkeys, but it still wouldn't be bullying. Just as a side note, I get great pleasure from imagining that stupid bird on the cover of Freedom loving a donkey. It takes the sting out of the experience out having read the piece of crap.


The American Idol effect

I started to think about the person who could author a site like STGRB, and it came to me that they must be self centered and immature. Some have suggested that this person is a YA author. This got me thinking about teenagers, and American Idol. For who else is more self important than a teenager who thinks they are going to be the next Jay Z?

Think of these authors/or author like the folks who show up for the American Idol tryouts. EVERYONE knows these guys suck except their mom, dad, and a handful of tone deaf buddies there to lend support. They cannot believe that they aren't going to be the next Carrie Underwood. They are in fact so astonished that they believe that the judges have a grudge against them. As viewers, we all find this laughable, especially when they flip off camera, but really, is it much different that what is going on over at STGRB.com?


Some authors will never be popular or well received, so when they write a book that isn't good, that's just par for the course. It's sad, but it's not the reviewer or reader's fault. We aren't the tone deaf family and friends. Propping up and providing encouragement isn't our job.



Hey STGRB! This is for you!



Do the writers at STGRB.com have the right to post their views about profanity? Sure they do. If you guys want to dig in to that age old debate, be my guest. Maybe they can even have some t-shirts and wrist bands made! I'm sure it will be super popular!


Even better? Like, a real solution?! Lobby for stronger moderators on Goodreads! Change Goodreads! Beg for the profanity police to stop threads that have become toxic. Sure, Goodreads won't be the once free place it used to be, but then that doesn't seem to matter to you folks anyhow.


There are a few other things that you can do to improve your situation. Here's a short list.


1. Pick up books on debate techniques.
2. Seek therapy/medication for your stalking tendencies.
3. Read up on real bullying. It's really sad and should in no way be mistaken for what has happened to you.
4. Write better books.
5. Grow some impulse control. Don't respond to negative reviews.


What you shouldn't do:


You know what should not be done? Like AT ALL! Above all, you should not harass your readers. It actually IS bullying. I mean, you know that right? You know that being outsmarted in a debate does not constitute bullying? You know that the F word is not really bullying don't you?



If you are reading this STGRB, you should know that I'm not buying your bullying story and neither are most readers. Your internet traffic is, and it's just a strong guess, based on readers at Goodreads getting the skinny on the hate mongering happening on your site. They want to see a real asshat in action before the lawsuits get slapped on your doorstep or Go Daddy shuts you down.


Oh, and one more thing. Revenge bullying doesn't work in the long run. You should know that too.